"I think what my mum and dad did was fantastic."

• Fostering Stories
• Tags: Sons and daughters

Children of foster carers month

Helen, a Fostering Social Worker at Liverpool City Council, shared her experience during Children of Foster Carers Month. She spoke about her parents becoming foster carers when she was a young teen and how it has shaped her life.

I was about 12 or 13 when my parents decided to foster.

My Mum had worked in residential children’s homes for many years, gaining a lot of experience with challenging children. I remember my Mum and Dad sitting down with my brother and me to talk about fostering, and we even had to meet with someone who asked how we felt about it.

Because of her experience, my Mum already had a lot of skills in working with children, especially those with disabilities and teenagers. My parents wanted to foster teenagers, and that’s what they did.

How did you find having other teenagers in your home?

There was a lot that went into matching the children with our family, so none of the placements were emergencies. I remember one boy who came to us when he was 11 and stayed until he was 18. When he decided he wanted to live on his own, my Mum and Dad helped him move into his own flat.

He’s still a big part of our lives. He visits us often, calls my parents “Mum” and “Dad,” and considers us his siblings. I’m his sister, my brother is his brother, and I’m “Auntie” to his children.

I see my foster brother all the time, and although he knows I’m not his blood relative, he doesn’t feel there’s any difference. We never treated him like he was anything other than part of our family.

He has a different relationship with my parents, but I’ve never felt jealous. I understand what he’s been through, and I know he needed something different.

Was it all positive, or were there challenges?

No, it wasn’t always positive. Most of my teenage years were spent with one child in particular. I remember there being challenges. He had come from a children’s home, and at first, he would hide because he wasn’t sure what he was allowed to do. I remember him asking me if he could take an apple from the fruit bowl.

I just tried to be kind, and my Mum would remind me, “He’s not sure yet. He might ask you some questions, and if you’re not sure, just ask me.”

In the children’s home, he always had to be on guard in case someone mistreated him. I remember him sleeping with a knife under his pillow when he first arrived, but over time, my Mum reassured him, saying, “You won’t need that here, love,” and he eventually gave it up. It took time for him to feel safe and settle in.

From the start, my parents were committed to him. They were prepared for the ups and downs and knew it wouldn’t always be easy.

We had good times, too. He was very much part of our family, joining us on holidays and creating memories. I have such fond memories of him living with us.

My Mum had so much experience with children in residential care, and she understood that many of them were fighting for survival. She knew the behaviours she might encounter and handled them with care and patience.

I always laugh when I remind him of the time he stole cigarettes from my room. I had a pack of 20, and he took 19, leaving me with just one!

• "He was very much part of our family, joining us on holidays and creating memories. I have such fond memories of him living with us." Helen

How has fostering influenced your life decisions?

"I think fostering has had a huge impact on me. What my parents did was incredible. My mum was always open about how difficult her work could be and would explain the underlying reasons why someone might behave a certain way. That’s when I began to understand the impact of trauma and realized I wanted to make a difference.

It took me a while to find my path. I initially had my own business, then studied to become a teacher. While learning about trauma, I often thought back to my parents fostering, and it all came together. That’s when I decided to pursue social work.

I truly believe I wouldn’t be where I am today without that experience. It gave me a new perspective on my parents and brought our family closer."

What would you say to parents thinking about fostering?

"My advice would be to talk to your children about fostering and explain what it might be like. Consider meeting other foster carers, too. 

If you’re worried about the impact on your children, in my experience, it was only positive. It helped me choose my career path, and I think it’s made me a better parent and a better person.

As a family, we’ve made a massive impact. We’ve changed the lives of at least five children, and in doing so, we’ve also impacted the lives of their children. That’s something truly special."