Our daughter is the reason we became a fostering family

• Fostering Stories
• Tags: Sons and daughters

Children of foster carers month

Throughout October, we’re shining a light on children of foster carers and the vital role they play in welcoming children into their homes.  Foster carers, Victoria and Philip, shared how their daughters were central to their decision to foster.

Willow brought us to fostering

When the war in Ukraine began, our daughter Willow was at school. They made an appeal for families to take Ukraine children, and Willow came home and said, “Mummy and Daddy, please, can we help a Ukraine child?” We agreed to find out some more information, because if it was a little Willow in Ukraine, we would have hoped someone would help her.

As we learned more, we became aware of the urgent need for foster carers for children in Liverpool. So we thought, "Okay, let's see if we could help any little girl or boy."

My husband works with human trafficking, and I work in mental health. With two kids, a dog, and both working full time, we were kind of full!  Well, we thought we were full; we thought we couldn't take on anything else.  Then fostering opened our eyes.

After Willow planted that seed, we decided to open our home. Now, we have three foster children along with our two birth children. We're a blended family, and that was the start of us becoming a very crazy, busy family.

How did you have to adapt as a family?

I did wonder how fostering would affect our children.  I used to think - ‘I've got to look after my own children, I've got to protect them’ .  But now I don't think like that. Every child who comes to our home is a part of our family, for however long they stay.

Christine was the lovely lady who guided us through the approval process and helped us prepare.

We looked at our lives and thought, we have a spare bedroom, my work is quite flexible. Our family offers kindness, love, compassion, fun. So why not give it a go!

Having your own children, shouldn’t put anyone off fostering. In fact, I think it’s a bonus to have children who care for other children. Of course, we had to teach then about boundaries, like asking a child before giving then a hug. So as soon as our first foster girl walked through the door, Willow asked “Can I hug you?”

• "Fostering works for us because we have other children. I just think of a child being dropped off by social services or the police…. they have no idea what they're walking into. In our experience, they need a little Willow or little Lottie, or even a dog or just a smile, to feel welcome." Victoria

How have your own children adapted to fostering?

I think it has changed them for the better. They were always good at sharing, but when our first girl arrived, they picked out all their favourite toys to put on her bed. When the boy arrived, they wrote him a letter, welcoming him into the family and saying how excited they were to play with him.

What's really good with fostering is they don't just give you any kids. They match you by considering the needs of your own children.  Even then sometimes you need to look beyond what's written on paper and give the child a chance.

Our kids now see each other as three sisters and a brother, and I think fostering has changed their lives.  They're more loving and accepting of different behaviours.  We have an understanding in our house that everyone is working on something.

Have you had to adjust your parenting style?

Yes, I do a lot of therapeutic parenting because I'm very aware of where these children have come from.  Nobody shouts and screams for no reason - there's always something behind it and every child is different.

I'm more patient and understanding now.  I've learned that what I'm seeing on the surface isn't always the full picture. There are underlying reasons that children come into foster care, so I adapt.  We’re not perfect all the time, and we as adults are more than happy to say sorry.

What would you say to anyone thinking about fostering?

It’s by far the best thing I have ever done, and I can't imagine not having the children we have in our home.

At first, the idea that I’d love a child for a month and then they’d move on was hard for me to accept—it felt alien. But I realised that if I have a child for a day, a week, or a year, we are part of that chain of love, and that child will never forget us.

If a child comes to me for a month, I will love them for that month. They’ll always be part of our blended family, and we will always talk about them.